Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
