I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
