Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
