theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
