During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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