Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
a search helicopter?!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Randomize
