Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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