if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
