I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
