You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
