i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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