my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
