Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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