So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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