Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The maid of honor just puked.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
