Sorry, I don't speak sober.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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