I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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