Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
