my mouth tastes like poor choices
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
