Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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