I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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