literally had 100 drinks last night.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
