tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
