I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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