U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
