My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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