As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
