and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
