you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
