also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
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