I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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