OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
