i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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