what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
