Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
