I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
