I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
