I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
