I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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