I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
