Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
