Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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