I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
