I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
