I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
