take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
zippers are such a cool invention
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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