8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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