youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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