The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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