I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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