just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
