sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
