I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
