Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
