Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I love how my cats smell like pot.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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