Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
